Insights into pain.

So I have been told as of late, and somewhat justifiably so that I am not writing much and that I am not reaching out so much.
True. I have posted recipes and updates, but nothing of my heart.
Honestly, this year has been really hard for me. We have had more challenges this year than probably all others combined. I like to pick out the best parts, but in honesty, we have had a lot of yucky parts too.
Not many know, but we named our son who died and then was born last year Bryson. It may sound kind of strange, but we put a photo up on the wall of a representation of him, since we had no actual photos. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I don't speak of it to many because it hurts and I don't like to cry in front of others.
Maybe it's pride?
Mostly, I think self-preservation.
I have kind of been hiding too. I do things but am not interacting as much with others. I think it has to do mostly when you have been a kicked a few times, you tend to hold back. No one meant to kick, but it was felt that way.
Not that I have been alone, I have spent more time on my knees and in my scriptures than I ever have. I have felt more comfort, more love and less alone than ever before. I kinda feel a little selfish I guess because I feel like He has been carrying me so much. He does have the biggest shoulders.
Today, because of perspective, I offer up things that may be of help to others that I have learned.
Things to NOT say to a Mom who has lost a child whether it be one day gestation or 100 years old.
1. Well, at least you have other children.
When a child is wanted, loved and prayed for. That doesn't really matter. Your heart opens wide open no matter how many walk into your heart. You still have a right to grieve.
2. Chocolate cures everything. Have a brownie.
No, it really doesn't and you just trivialized my pain.
3. Count your blessings. At least you didn't know it, you haven't been attached yet.
Yes, I do, but I am allowed to count my tears, the Lord does. How do you know how much I was attached?
4. See, your problem is Faith, if you had Faith, this wouldn't be so hard.
Not true. I am sorry you don't understand. My faith is not in question. If the Lord doesn't question my faith, I don't think you should either.
5. It's so nice to see you among the living, we thought you were totally lost in the valley of the dead.
Just not nice, or funny, or welcoming.
6. You are so lucky all yours are not in this stage, my baby has been making me crazy. Always crying, not sleeping, they just drain me.
Hello? Your's is breathing. Please don't act like this is such a sacrifice when all I wanted to do was hold and raise mine. I actually like staying up at night and nursing my children. This is a big blessing to me.
7. Well, I just figured since you lost your baby, you would be willing to babysit whenever I need.
I do like holding babies, but please let me ask when I feel like it. Don't make me feel obligated. Ask from afar so I don't feel pressured.
8. Your just hormonal.
Yes, hormones play a lot and it takes a while to feel back to normal, but this is kind of like saying, Are you PMSing?
9. When stated I just feel overwhelmed, life isn't slowing down. Don't tell me that I am just not doing enough or say well, just do this too and add to my burdens.
10. You can still have others.
Yes, but this one was wanted. Allow me time to grieve as I see fit.
11. You should be done grieving.
Who sets a time limit? If I had lost a 6 yr old, you wouldn't say that. To me, it's not any different.
12. What did you do?
You think this is my fault? Like I haven't already run every possible experience in my head and wondered. Are you going to add to my burden and make me take longer to forgive myself for something not in my control?
13. What have you done to grieve?
What are you saying? Now, I'm doing this wrong?
14. Are you pregnant again yet?
If I haven't loss the weight yet, or if you are just curious if I am trying, don't ask. Never received well. If they are, they will tell you, eventually when they feel like it.
15. You don't look the same, cowboy up girl. Put on your big girl panties and get over it.
Just shut up. Don't be surprised if you get a nasty response.
16. If they reach out to you. Listen.
Don't try to fix them or tell them what you think they are doing wrong.
Let them reach and recognize this is positive. Let them. They just showed you they trusted you. Keep that trust.
17. When they reach out, don't punish them for ignoring you.
Just gather them and thank them.
18. Don't offer to take their kids unless you know this is desirable.
Just adds stress. Again, ask from afar. No pressure.
19. Don't forget the whole family hurts. Maybe not exactly the same as Mom, but don't treat their pain as trivial or non-existent. Dads and siblings hurt too. Families need to grieve together or you maybe weakening their chance to support and bond with each other.
20. There is a painful recovery period. Not only emotionally, but physically. I chose to skip the D&C, and other things offered and just give birth. Not the choice for everyone, but a valid choice. Don't judge people when they make their choices. Most likely they have agonized over this and chosen what felt most comfortable to them.


Things to do.
1. Say your sorry, but not in a public place.
This is appreciated but no one likes their heart totally exposed. Unless they are initiating it.
2. Call.
But leave a message. They will get back to you when they can handle it.
3. Tell your story.
Lots of women go through this, but tell them privately. Whole heart exposed thing again.
4. Send a note.
They can open when they feel like it.
5. Email is good. Facebook is good.
FBChat not so much in the beginning.
They can get back to you when they can.
6. Don't add more responsibilities to their family.
You may inadvertantly taking their support system they are most comfortable with.
7. Make sure they are ready to receive visitors. Call first and confirm.
Or leave things on their doorstep. Then leave.
8. Give them space.
Don't think what would I like, ask what they need.
9. Love them. Leave judgments to God.
Enough said.
10. Offer to help, if you can. Don't take offense if they say no. Sometimes just knowing someone cares is more than enough.
11. Give them a chance to serve.
No pressure though. Know that just caring for their family is all they maybe able to handle right then.

I do this to allow myself to let go and give others a chance to see how things might be taken. Hopefully all can benefit. Comments are good too. If they blog. At least they know you still care.