Thoughts of Luke

I had prayed and wanted Heavenly Father to help me, so as usual, if you want to talk to God, Pray.
If you want God to talk to you, Read your scriptures.
I fully endorse this quote. It is one of my many favorites. I know of it's validity.
So I open my scriptures, and I am not totally upset, but I am thinking," Well that wasn't very nice."
My husband walks in and asks me what's wrong.
"I tell him Heavenly Father isn't being very nice," with a little smile. He starts saying, "Now you know better than that" and continues to embark upon a sermon of there is a plan for all things...
He tells me how he is hurting too and how his heart and mind is so saddened and he asks me tell him what we would have named our little guy. We for some reason are pretty sure it would've been a boy even though there is really no proof of that and I kinda wanted a girl, if I had to choose. So I tell him and he starts praying using that name to bless, protect and watch over.
I cry on his chest for a little while longer and my eyes puff up as they have seem to have been for so many days lately and he is so sweet, looks at me and says "You are so beautiful." Mind you it was a nice gesture, but I have swollen eyes, a distended belly from the bacteria, constant state of swollen nasal passages from crying and I haven't combed my hair since I took a shower, I just slept on it. Pretty sure I am closer to looking like a train wreck.
But like Brad always does, He has only one good eye and the Lord saved the best one, because he looks through everything and sees only the best. Some people say it was so sad that happened to him, but I can tell you, the eye that was left, even if it was a little inferior to the eye that was punctured, it sees more than most people will ever see. I swear it sees through the depths of your soul. Lots of people cast him off as not very smart because of his corny humor, and his humble attitude, but I promise you, no one will ever see you more clearly or serve you more wholeheartedly without fail than he. Anyway, back to my story and the scriptures.
So, Brad falls asleep and I read my scriptures again. Same place because I have learned that He is always telling me something if I pay attention. The scriptures are talking about blessed is the fruit of thy womb, and behold she was with child and blessed art thou among women, and on and on. No matter where I rested my eyes, I saw women that had successful pregnancies and were joyful in it. I would've liked to have been.
So I again pour out my hear to the Lord, because a. He doesn't judge me b. He understands my heart and my desires better than anyone and I ask him to explain.
I wish I could tell you exactly how this took place, but it is hard when something is spiritually divined and even my making up of words that seem to fit better, have no place here so I will attempt to replace my rush of the Spirit and understanding into a totally inept language we call english.

You can read in Luke 2 and see why I was frustrated at first until I prayed for clarity. Always an important step! I could have gone away feeling worse like He didn't even understand. But what I understood was this.
They were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless. And they had no child.
He knows my heart, he knows I was doing my very best with everything that is given me and that I strive hard to always do what's right. He was telling me that he accepted me and didn't hold me accountable for the miscarriage. Even though many have asked, "Well, what did you do?" I hadn't done anything. I knew that, but it was comforting to know that He knew that.
Then it talked about the fruit of the wombs and women's experiences and I understood that He knew the fruit of my womb too and if this child didn't need to come to earth right now or for whatever reason, needed a better environment to flourish or whatever, I can soundly trust His judgment because He has not once failed me. I have tested and tried Him over and over. Heaven knows that, and He has never failed me. So I can fully trust Him to make this decision and know that it was the best for our family, for our baby, for Him. I don't ever have to like it because I have my free agency, but I also have my firm knowledge that He sees what we do not and knows what we do not and that He always has everyone's best intrest at heart and encircles us in his arms and comforts us as we allow it. So, even though I wish I could explain the rush of the Spirit and the understanding that left me weak and humble and then strengthened and wanting to get out of bed and stop crying and go for a walk and reclaim my life, I know I will be sad off and on but I feel like the biggest torrent of grief has been swallowed up by the atonement and that I am left stronger knowing that He grieves and follows my every ache and pain and that no matter what, I will not be alone in the delivery of this child, I just hope it will be sooner than later, but all in good time. Just praying that my experience will help someone else in some fashion too. People seem to always want to make others feel better in 10 min. No one likes to deal with full grief. It is painful to witness. But maybe, others who maybe haven't walked this road, maybe my experience will help them to know, that the Lord heals. Just knowing and offering love heals and makes you not feel alone and see their tears but don't minimize their pain for it is grief nonetheless. I love all you guys and thanks for the words of encouragement. It really does help. Who knows what I will blog about next. Maybe my kids getting bored because they were left to run the house by themselves and by the way did a pretty good job. The older kids colored the younger ones with paint and chalk on their faces and they all painted pictures like a 1000! We used up lots of paint this weekend. Brad laughed at me because I said, "Well, I no longer have to worry about gestational diabetes, so I am going to have a brownie and ice cream. I've heard that chocolate cures everything. Worth a shot."
Now, I kinda want to take a shower and make myself look like Mom before my kids get home from Church so I can explain my metamorphosis from not doing anything to feeling energized like I can do something.