Heartbroken

Well, the Lord decided to answer our prayers in a different fashion than I would have wanted, but answered He did. Thursday I tried to put Puppie and Frosty in the tub, but my leg just plain gave out and all the sudden, I was sitting on the floor. That was strange. I decided hormones were messing with my ligaments and went to bed instead. I didn't feel quite right. When I awakened, my arms and legs and lips and chin were tingling like crazy. I felt like I was in shock, I hadn't slept on that many body parts wrong and I woke up on my back. I wasn't breathing weird and I wasn't upset about anything. I had been asleep. I called the Dr. and she blew me off. She thought I was having a panic attack. How do you have a panic attack while sleeping though? So the rest of the day I just didn't feel "right". I don't know how else to describe it. I stayed up until 4 am, not being able to sleep. I had a priesthood blessing but hadn't felt the confirmation of the spirit afterwards. I just felt weird. I woke up the next morning and I wasn't tired, I definately didn't feel right and I had Drs. appt. I went to the bathroom and saw a faint amount of blood. I went in to my appt and the nurses and Dr. chastized me gently saying you are working yourself up over nothing. Your lab work is fine and there is nothing to worry about. I will order an ultrasound just so you can see for yourself the heartbeat and that it is high and that there is only one. I went to the ultrasound and felt a little bit better. I thought, maybe I am just being a worrywart. I talked myself into thinking it was ok. I laid down and the tech started making small talk, and I continued to talk and then we both got really quiet. I said, "I don't see a heartbeat." She said she didn't know how to read these things, that a Dr. will have to read it, she just preforms the test. I told her she was very kind, but I know how to read an ultrasound and I know that the heart isn't beating. She said she would see me in a couple weeks and I said, No you won't. I had to go get medicine for everyone for the bacterial infection that is thankfully not from our watersource. Not sure where we got it from actually and decided to fill my prescription as well. I figured it didn't matter now. Wow, that was expensive. 11 people eek. Good thing we don't get sick very often. So I had to wait to fill the medicine and wandered around HyVee and decided this week was going to be hard and figured I would blow my budget and health guidelines I normally make us follow. I bought frozen EVERYTHING. I went home and laid down and the Dr. called. She said she was really sorry. I told her it was ok. I think she felt worse that she had told me I was just having a panic attack. I told her I didn't blame anyone and I was just going to be sad and cry now. She said I could come in and have a d & c. I thought that sounded more traumatic. I declined. She said I am far enough along that I will have to deliver then. I said ok. That still sounds more respectful to me than having a metal instrument scrape it out. I know it's fine, I just personally don't feel right. I told my husband and kids and they were really sad too. I had a friend stop by and walk into the house while I was telling my oldest and she said " I knew I needed to stop by!" She stayed for a couple hours and just listened to me cry and then told me how disgusted she was by the media and how they treat women and especially Sarah Palin. I went to bed and have been there mostly since. I am just exhausted now. I tried to read my scriptures, but it doesn't feel the same yet and I know that I am being strengthed in other ways. This weekend is just going to be hard. Some people don't understand. To me, I have been so sick, and praying so much over this child and talking with my Father In Heaven about what to do that and praying that it will be kept safe and everything for so long that it is like Puppie is gone. I know it wasn't really real yet to others, but it was to me. I saw it's little arms and legs and the hands that were beginning to develop and it's little bent head and everything. I had a home teacher call and I didn't feel like talking but offered to take me to the hospital if we need anything and can bring brownies if I want because chocolate cures everything. Cute. (Insert smile) Chocolate doesn't cure everything. The Atonement does. I know that my tears are counted. I know that He understands the depth of my despair. I know that He lives and that He died for me and you and that it isn't just a trial to go through. There are lessons to be learned, faith to be built and lives to heal. I have never had trials this hard that the Lord hasn't turned into a blessing for many. So I fully anticipate that again. He has never left me bereft. He has always strengthened me when I allow it. I am trying to allow it now. Frosty was really funny though. He said "Mommy, Daddy is gonna come home and fix that truck! I am gonna save that baby and bring it back. I'm gonna save that baby Mommy! Call Daddy! We'll get it!" He was in such earnest. I don't know where he thought was going to drive that old beat up truck and how that would help but I appreciated the desire. Such a crazy sweetheart. Funny, but after blogging all of this, I actually feel a little better. Still feel like puking when I think about eating, but that could be the medicine. We will take it for three days and within a week we should be better. Maybe the baby just needed a better environment to grow in. I can't believe that being that sick for that long would've created a place that a baby could flourish. I am not angry, just really sad and waiting for the healing I know is coming. I love you guys and am grateful for the encouragement that I feel when hard things come my way. Thanks for all the prayers and phonecalls, even if I dont feel like answering right now doesn't mean I don't care, I do and still appreciate it. I am just really tired and sad, but we will be ok and be better because of it.